communication breakdown

Fooling Yourself (or, The Angry Young Man)

It's amazing how quickly time can slip away. It seems like yesterday that I wrote my last post on here, when in reality, it's been a month. Blogging is funny; my itch for writing seems to go in streaks. Sometimes I will post like gangbusters, whether I have anything to say or not. Other times, like the last month or so, I find it hard to sit down and put my fingers to work, even though I've had plenty on my mind. I guess that's why 99.9% of all blogs out there die out pretty quickly - but I don't plan to quit that easily.

So, my frustration levels have reached epic proportions lately. It's really been an accumulation of a lot of things that really just have me pissed. I'm going to try and walk a fine line here by saying what I want to say without getting whiny, preachy, or boring to my massive fanbase...

For the most part, I'm a pretty easy guy to please. Give me an IBC and a football game or tennis match on the Tivo and I'll be happy for hours. I also don't ask much out of others, either; I'm pretty independent and don't usually ask for help. Through years of empirical evidence, I'm a firm subscriber to the theory of "If you want something done, you've gotta do it yourself". But all of the sudden, a couple weeks ago I looked around and noticed that nobody around me was doing anything. The truth is, since my freshman year of college, when I first took a leadership role in the fraternity, I've just been doing and doing and doing. I never really paid attention to the fact that I probably do more than my share, but it also didn't really bother me. It might have something to do with the fact that I never stepped up to the plate to do anything until college, so perhaps I had enough energy in the tank to last me a few years. Or maybe it was something else.

But the fact is this: within the last year or so, I started noticing that, in most of the things I was involved in, I tended to be the one who was holding things together. This isn't an attempt to brag; in fact, I'm not happy about it or proud at all. I guess some people are just destined to be the type that take the torch and run with things. Or maybe most people are just destined to be lazy underachievers. Whether I am one of those go-getter types or not, I've certainly been acting like one lately. The problem with this is that it places an undue burden on the person; a heavy weight associated with the fear of failure. It's a terrible thing when you think "if I don't keep this up, the whole thing is going to fail". That's what I've been feeling for a while now, on several different fronts. Slowly but surely, this has been sapping my strength and desire to help. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, and I love my fraternity; but I hate the position that I've been put in. Nobody likes being taken for granted.

The secret to the whole thing, a secret which I'm now making public, is this: I don't expect thanks for taking an active role and donating time/money/resources. In fact, I've never really liked being thanked - it is an embarrassing position to be in for me, and I prefer to do things behind the scenes without being in the limelight. However, when I give of myself, all I really want in return is for others to join in and do likewise. To me, that accomplishes two things: it increases the pool of resources, thereby lessining the burden on a single person, and also is an indirect way of showing appreciation. However, this cooperation has been sorely lacking in every area where I've been serving. The way I interpret that is that my time is considered less valuable than everyone else's. Other people have stressful jobs, and marriages, and other side-projects, so obviously they can't find a miniscule amount of time to help, right? If that's the case, then why aren't single people running the world? I can't escape the feeling that other people seem to think that I've got nothing better to do than donate my time. What does that say about me?

So, as you can see, I've been thinking about all of this for awhile. In fact, it's been grating on my brain constantly, and it has caused an inordinate amount of stress and depression, which I don't think is fair to me. So, I did something I've never really done before: I said no mas and dropped all of my voluntary commitments. That includes both formal and informal commitments to the fraternity, coordination of social events, and a couple of other things as well. I guess this makes me a quitter, which is a new thing for me: but it felt like something I had to do, at least for myself, if not for others. Maybe it will cause someone to take notice and reconsider their level of effort. Maybe it won't. But at the very least, it will make me feel better.

And it already has. I took this step about a week ago, and it has felt liberating ever since. And the weird thing is, when I was still debating doing it, I was worried that I might feel guilty about my choice: surprisingly, I don't feel that way at all. The way I see it, I've put in a lot of myself, and if I don't do another thing for a long while, I've still done more than most.

Maybe I'll rethink my decision soon, but I doubt it. What this means is I now have a lot of free time. Maybe I'll take up pilates. Or cross-stitching. More likely than not, the time will be filled with lots of tennis and some serious steps toward restarting my active TaeKwon-Do training regiment. And for once, maybe I'll actually be happy.

Now, for anyone still reading who may be curious where the title of this post comes from: I thought these lyrics were somewhat relevant to what I've been feeling: http://www.seeklyrics.com/lyrics/Styx/Fooling-Yourself-The-Angry-Young-Man.html

Styx was one of the greatest American rock bands, and they only caught a bad rap becuase most critics are cynical assholes. -- Julien Garrity in "Big Daddy"