communication breakdown

Face/Off

Based on the apparent popularity of my list of police encounters, I decided I'd take my shot at another Top 10 list. The topic for this one was easy, because it was on my mind while waiting for my return flight last week: "Top 10 Things I Miss About Atlanta (or: Top 10 Things That Piss Me Off About Minnesota)". It only took me about 5 minutes to come up with the top 10 - the rest of the time was spent coming up with a good ordering. But I had plenty of time to perfect it - what else was I going to do with all that time in the airport terminal?

Now, a disclaimer before I proceed: I didn't include any completely obvious things, like friends and family. The idea was to highlight more subtle things. More than anything, it's a chance to complain about some of the peculiarities of Minnesota that I don't like. For some of you it might also shed some light on the mysteriousness of the far-off country that is the Midwest. Without further ado, let's hop right in...

10. Grits. You always hear the horror stories about this one: "So last week I was visiting my <relative> in <some Northern state>. Well, I went to the grocery store to buy some grits, and would you believe it, they didn't have any!!!". The stories get old, but they sure are true. Here's what happens when I mention grits to anyone up here:

Me: Ever had grits?
Them (looking puzzled): What are grits?

Seriously. I've never understood this one: how do foods get segregated to a certain part of the nation? Shouldn't something as delectable as grits be shared with the non-grit-eating part of the country? Interesting story: I went into the grocery store the other day to find some grits - yes, stupid move, I know. Surprisingly, there was actually one type of instant grits for sale - the fact that they could even be found caught me off-guard. I hadn't even tried up until now, assuming they wouldn't be there. I think it's because Cub Foods has some stores down South. Anyways, when in Atlanta last weekend, I decided to get some real grits at the grocery store. To my shock and surprise, I couldn't find anything but instant grits there - mind you, there were 9 different kinds available, but all instant. Where do you buy real grits anyways? I need a real Southerner to help me out here...

9. Grocery Stores. Speaking of grocery stores - the ones up here drive me crazy. This is probably a combination of several things. First of all, for me there's a certain loyalty that goes along with brand names. I get used to a certain thing, and then I'm willing to stick by it. Part of me resents the grocery stores here simply because they're not the ones I'm used to. But my reasoning goes deeper than that. The stores here seem... outdated, I guess. Low-tech. Keep in mind, there are the high-class, hoity-toity grocery stores that are supposedly really nice, but I'm not all about spending $12 for Frosted Flakes. I'm talking normal grocery stores here. I stepped in a Kroger last weekend, and it just felt so much nicer, so much newer... just better. And then there's the biggest factor - self-checkouts. Good luck finding one around here - I guess that kind of technology hasn't risen to this part of the country yet.

8. Vernacular / Accents. Call me crazy, but I can't tell you how badly it grates on my ears to hear someone say "I'm gonna go get a pop". News flash: this isn't 1955. It's called soda, or Coke - even if it's Pepsi. Then there's the misuse of the word "yet". For example:

Minnesotan: I still have to go to the grocery store yet.

Anyone care to tell me why you have to tack on that extra word? I think the point was made just fine without it. You might think I'm petty, that such things are trivial - but I'm telling you, try listening to this kinda stuff all the time, and it will affect you.

This one is so ironic, because I really used to give people hell for having a real hick accent. And to be honest, I still don't like it - it's almost as annoying as the nasaly Minnesotan accent. But I do like a true Southern accent - it has a certain dignity to it. There's nothing quite like the sound of a Southern woman's voice.

7. Chick-fil-A. Oh boy, does this one touch a soft spot with me. Again, this one is also ironic because CFA hadn't even made a big impact in Florida before I left for college, so I had never eaten there before. But I sure did get my fill in my five years in Atlanta. Everyone knows the Chick-Fil-A Rule: you always crave CFA on Sundays, when it's not open. Truer words were never spoken. Of course, the rule is modified for me: Since it's not available at all, I crave it every day. Ok, maybe not every day. But all the time, I'm not kidding you. Chicken sandwiches, chicken biscuits, chicken nuggets, waffle fries, cheesecake... Great, now I'm hungry.

6. Football. People here claim to be football fans, and I guess some of them are. But I've met so many people here that don't watch football at all. Let's be honest: what else are guys going to talk about from September through February except football? It's not just the fans though - it's the style of football up here as well. Big 10 football - what a load of crap. It lacks the passion, the excitement, and the blind hatred between teams (and fans) that you find in the ACC/SEC. Of course, I get to watch about 3% of those games. Oh, Auburn vs. Alabama is on? Too bad, I'm stuck watching Iowa vs. Iowa State. Barf.

5. Summer. More irony here. If there is one thing I have always complained about regarding the South, it's the heat. And I still stand by that argument - Florida was just too much for my liking. But as I've discussed in previous ramblings, you've got to have a fair share of summer or you just feel robbed. It's barely been hot enough this year for me to break a sweat. And that would be fine by me, if the winter was mild by any stretch of the imagination. But if I'm going to struggle through -30 temps in the winter, I want my summer to be warm and longer than a fleeting moment. It seems I've traded in a sweltering summer for a punishing winter, and I've yet to decide which I like least.

4. Hospitality. This one is a big problem. I've been running an ongoing experiment since I first got here. When I pass people in the halls, on the street, or whereever you pass people, I will always nod, smile, and usually say "hey", or "good morning", or whatever is appropriate. Common courtesy, right? Typical Southern hospitality? I guess that's why it is called Southern. Any guess as to what percentage of the people respond? I can only guess in lieu of real numbers, but it seems to be about 25%. Most people will either make eye contact and turn away, or not even look my direction. Now, there's always the possibility that the problem is me - but last I checked, I didn't have any horrible disfigurement or a sign taped to my forehead that said "Guns Don't Kill People... I Kill People". I think it's just a cultural difference. And it's not just in greetings - I think in general people are more introverted, less willing to share their lives with others, particular about their privacy. Everything is kept at a distance, a strange type of formality. Whatever it is, it doesn't make a stranger feel very welcome.

3. Conservatism/Religion. I guess I was asking for trouble when I left the Bible Belt. I've told my co-workers that, before I moved here, I could count the number of true liberals that I've known on one hand. I really believe that to be true - at least, it used to be true. Now I'm surrounded by them, and it's truly scary. The complete separation from the real world, ridiculous ideology, irrational thinking - it is very disturbing. Do you know how weird it feels to sit around and discuss world events, or politics, with a group of people who all think and believe completely different from the way you do? If you don't, you probably don't want to. I think this is tied to the forms of religion practiced here as well. The overwhelming majority of Minnesotans are Lutheran - not that there is anything wrong with that, but it is so different from the style of worship which I am comfortable with. Similar to Catholicism with its formal service and habitual routine, it seems like more emphasis is placed on going through the motions rather than focusing on the important things - God, salvation, relationships with Christ.

The most frustrating part of my adaptation to Minnesota has been my inability to find a good church. Consider first of all that a very small portion of the churches are Baptist, and even those which are seem more like LutheraBaptists, which are basically churches with a formal style that happen to believe in the Baptist doctrine. A good home church is one of the biggest components of a Christian's life, and without it I feel quite unfulfilled and unsettled. Then, there is the disturbing fact that so many people here do not worship at all, something else which is new to me. While it provides many opportunities to reach the lost, it just adds to the completely foreign environment that I've found up here.

2. Sweet Tea. This one needs no explanation - any Southerner reading this knows what I'm talking about, and anyone else has no idea. The next time that somebody offers me "sweetener" for my "iced tea", I'm going to smite them. Thank God this is one problem I can fix myself, by making my own sweet tea.

1. Driving Style. Anyone who knows me well shouldn't be surprised to find this at the top of the list. If you pressed me for a Top 10 pet peeves list, I think all 10 would be driving-related. Let me be honest for a minute and admit a few things:

• I have absolutely no patience.
• I am an extremely aggressive driver.
• I believe in double-standards when driving, but only for me. For example, I rarely use a blinker, but I expect everyone else to use one at all times.
• I have absolutely no patience.

All of this adds up to big trouble up here, where I am surrounded by stupid drivers. The reason this item comes in at #1 is because it affects me all day, every day. Not a day goes by that I don't get pissed off at the drivers up here. Let me comment on some of my biggest problems with them:

• They don't drive fast enough. I mean, honestly, who drives the speed limit? That's insane - you can go 5 mph over anywhere without getting pulled over. To me it suggests weakness. But most of all, it increases my chance of getting a speeding ticket, because I stick out all by myself as the only one speeding. In Atlanta, I could blend in. This drives me crazy.
• They are too conscientious. Being a respectful driver is one thing - when you take it too far, you cause problems. How hard is it to understand a 4-way stop? When you stop, look who stopped before you - they go first, then you go. When you start trying to wave along people who came up after you, mayhem results and everyone gets angry. Or people who will slam on the brakes while on the highway to let someone in another lane get in front of them. If they can't turn the blinker on earlier, then make them wait; if they miss their exit, too bad. Hitting the brakes on the highway is never the right solution.
• They don't understand the concept of "slower traffic keep right". Note that this does NOT only apply to highways. This is inexcusable. If I ever got elected to some high public office, I swear I would enforce jailtime for every person who did this.

That's just a few, but you get the idea. One of the first things that I experience when I come back to ATL, one of the things that makes me feel that I'm home, is how everyone drives like me. I come out 90mph from the airport, and rather than passing everyone, they are all driving like me. Some people say they hate driving in Atlanta, that it's too crazy and too dangerous. I relish the aggressiveness, the danger, the sheer insanity of it all. Strange as it seems, it's one of my favorite things about Atlanta and it always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside when I come driving back into downtown for the first time in a long time.

However, as far as Minnesota goes - I have a solution: let me decide who gets to have a driver's license. Obviously I'm the best driver on the road, so make people take a test of my choosing. I promise to be fair, and then all the morons who shouldn't be driving can take the bus or carpool. Funds for city transportation will go up, pollution will go down, and I'll be happy. Problem solved.

As always, comments are welcome. Think that I forgot anything? Oh and don't forget, somebody help me with the grits thing!

Posted by sdishman at September 20, 2004 1:58 AM

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