communication breakdown

Bad Boys

On my drive home last weekend from Wisconsin, I suddenly realized something - I've had a lot of run-ins with the cops! Before you start forming this picture of me as a hardened criminal, keep in mind that they have all been automobile-related, so we're not talking anything drastic. But I started thinking back to all of the times I've been pulled over (what else am I going to think about while driving through hundreds of miles of farm country?), and I guess I never realized before how many times it has happened. Then I started thinking about the details of each, and I couldn't help but laugh - some of them were completely ridiculous situations. I figured I'd have a little fun at my own expense and give you a top ten list of my own: Top 10 Run-Ins With Cops. To me they are all hilarious for one reason or another, but maybe some/all of them are "you had to be there" kind of things. I hope not, and I hope you get a laugh out of them as well. Enjoy...

Note: Dates given are approximate. Some of these memories are so painful that I tried to block them out of my head. The first thing to go was the actual date...

10. Ocilla, GA (1999) - Me and two of my fraternity brothers travel south of Atlanta to Ocilla, GA to visit another brother and stay with his family for awhile. As we are about to embark home, one of the guys (Jon) decides he wants to drive one of the vehicles and be the lead car, even though I had the only radar detector. He was the oldest of us, so naturally you'd assume he would be the a wise decision-maker, right? Wrong. Not long after leaving Ocilla, we were driving up a hill, following behind a car going way too slow, so Jon decides to pass into the oncoming-traffic lane. Obviously this necessitates a large increase in speed, so we jump up to about 15-over in order to pass this slowpoke. We cross back over the center line just in time to crest the hill, where - surprise! - a cop is waiting for us. I slowed way down, hoping he would take me as the sacrificial lamb and allow them to escape (after which I would demand they pay half the ticket). No dice though - he motioned for me to pull over, then went and fetched them. Not only did we get tickets, but I got a warning for following too closely, since I was in a hurry to get back over the center line. And for the record, my radar detector picked up the cop's signal, and had I been leading, we probably would have been OK. Thanks Jon!

9. Somewhere in Georgia (1999) - I don't remember exactly where I was, except for that I was in rural Georgia with a couple fraternity brothers (again). It might have even been the trip into Ocilla, mentioned above in #10. Anyways, we were in the middle of absolute nowhere, on a very hilly road, and I decided to have some fun. More specifically, I had never taken my car (a 1994 Mercury Tracer, code name "The Trace") over 100 before. So I decide, what better time? I mean, obviously, there's noone around, right? So I gun it up to about 105. We're enjoying it (and surprisingly, my car is handling it just fine) for about a minute or so, after which I slow back down to my normal speed of about 15 over. We crested the very next hill, and as you can probably guess by now, there was a cop waiting on the other side. Had I started my speed trial later, or kept it up for longer, this would be more of a jail story than a cop story. Close call...

8. Jacksonville, FL (1997) - This is the story of my first ticket. I still get misty-eyed thinking about it. Honestly, there's nothing particularly special about it - I was going about 15 over on a residential road, clocked by a cop that I never even saw because it was dark. But the story ranks in the top 10, and even gets some bonus points, for 2 reasons. First, it gets sentimental value for being my first time. Second, it is a great demonstration of how I can lose my head when I get overly-stressed. When I saw the cop lights come on I absolutely panicked, and pretty much forgot how to drive or what to do. Eventually I somewhat composed myself and realized "hey, I should pull over". So, where do I pull over? Why, right in the middle of an intersection, of course! I'm sure it looked hilarious, my car parked right in the T-section of two cross streets. The cop had to actually yell into his megaphone telling me to pull forward out of the road. It was classic. He gave me my ticket and sent me on the way, while I was apologizing profusely and beginning to cry. Oh how I laugh now at the old days of innocence and naivete!

7. Athens, GA (2001) - This is one of the most painful stories. I was travelling from Atlanta to Athens to attend my roommate's wedding. I was running a little late so I was speeding (big surprise), but everyone does on 316. I was in a line of cars going about 20 over. Out of nowhere this cop shows up and pulls only me out of the train. He comes up to my car and is completely non-conversational and doesn't listen to anything I say. I tell him that I'm on the way to a wedding - clearly I'm dressed for the occasion, and I show him the invitation. He doesn't even blink, just asks for license/insurance, goes back to his car, returns with the ticket, and leaves without so much as a "goodbye" or a "drive safe". After awhile I pieced it all together - my Tracer had Georgia Tech stickers all over it, and I was right in the middle of UGA country - clearly this was a case of the dumb redneck policeman exacting revenge on the smart engineer in the only way he can. In fact, he took so long to process the ticket that by the time I left, I was so hopelessly late for the wedding that I didn't even bother. I turned around and went home. This one still stings, 3 years later...

6. Atlanta, GA (2003) - This might be the most bizarre of all of the stories. It's important to mention up-front that this incident occurred during a particularly low time in my life. I was driving back home from Brewhouse, a local pub, by myself. (Note: I wasn't drunk. I do not drink.) Anyways, I will admit that I was not mentally fit to be driving, because my thoughts were a million miles away - I wasn't even paying attention to the road. Apparently I was speeding excessively because next thing I knew there was a cop right behind me. He doesn't flip on his lights, but instead he pulls up beside me. Now, in my altered state, I didn't think to pull over or anything - no, I just stopped. Right there. In the middle of the road. I roll down my window and he explains how fast I was going, and that he could take my license right now, and that he probably would if he wasn't off-duty. I explain (poorly) that I had no idea that I was speeding and that I was sorry (and I truly was, this time). Then he just drives off. Based on the way things shook out, I'm very surprised he didn't pull me over for an alcohol check or anything. This was certainly one of my luckiest experiences and closest calls.

5. Jacksonville, FL (1998) - I'm driving home down a semi-residential (45mph) street one day, doing my usual of 60. I pass a cop who is facing me, waiting to turn left onto the street I was crossing. As I pass him he flips on his lights and starts to pull a U-turn. I don't know what got into me, but right then and there I decided I was not going to get a ticket that night. I slammed the pedal to the floor and kicked The Trace up to about 80 on the same road. Now this cop has no idea that I'm running from him, because the road is pretty curvy, so I was out of his sight before he finished the U-turn, so I just used my early lead to try and build a bigger one. About a mile ahead I made the turn onto the next street and expected to see lights behind me, but never did. Only time in my life I've ever considered outrunning a cop. In hindsight it probably wasn't the best of ideas, but hey, it worked...

4. Atlanta, GA (2002) - The only explanation I have for the following series of events was that God decided that it was about time I receive a speeding ticket. The scenario is too orchestrated to be anything else. The story takes place during one of our fraternity initiation weeks. I was busy all week and didn't have a chance to get errands done, so late one night (about 2 AM) I realize I need to get some groceries. I head out to the store, and after picking up what I need, I get back in the car to find that my radar detector is not working. For the life of me I don't know why, and still don't know why. I fiddled with it for 5 minutes to no avail. I head out without it (it's kind of a naked feeling, to be honest), and get on the highway. For some reason, I felt like going on a slightly longer drive, so I took a different path back to campus - first time I had ever done this. Predictibly, I take the alternate route into campus and get caught by one of those radar machines that they put by the side of the road (the ones that show you your speed). Consider all the things that had to fall in place for this to happen. I rarely leave the house at 2 AM, let alone to go get groceries. My radar detector spontaneously stopped working - but started working again the next day! Plus I took the alternate route, and never would have come across the speed trap going the other way. What burns me up the most about it is that those speed traps are ridiculously easy to pick up with a radar detector - I usually detect them about 2 miles early. How humiliating, to be beaten by such an inferior instrument! Like I said, I've come to accept this one as God-ordained, but I won't deny that it still makes me cringe when I think about it.

3. South Georgia (1999) - Sometimes, you just have it coming to you. It's remarkable how consistent I've been in how often I get a speeding ticket. On average, it's about once a year. Well, around this time, I had done well and hadn't had a ticket in about two years. Then the Law of Averages kicked in. I was travelling home to Jacksonville for Thanksgiving. I was only there for about half a week, but during the trip I managed to score myself two tickets. On the drive south I was clocked with laser from a cop on an overpass - that's just downright vicious. On the trip back to Atlanta I was stopped again, though I don't remember how or why. All I know is that in the span of about 4 days I racked up about $250-300 in speeding tickets. Not recommended as an exercise for the reader. Needless to say, for the next week or two I ate a little cheaper, drove a little slower, and in general was not very happy...

2. Minneapolis, MN (2004) - This is the very recent story of how I was stopped by a cop and was about to get a ticket for sure before he was called off to a more pressing emergency and had to leave in a hurry. I will not go into great detail because I recently described it at length in another blog entry. You can find that story here.

1. Atlanta, GA (2001) - This story is at the top for several reasons. First, I think it gives great insight into the way I think when I'm on the road. Second, it makes me laugh everytime I think of it. Finally, it had a happy ending. I was on my way back into Atlanta after a trip home to Jacksonville. I was a couple miles away from the exit when I spotted a highway patrolman a quarter mile or so ahead of me. For one reason or another, he sped up to about 90. I figured, if he can do it, why can't I? So I kept my distance and matched his speed. I'm sure it was quite a sight for the people who saw this patrol car whizzing by, followed by a beat-up old Tracer. Anyways, I follow him for about a mile (assuming I'm far enough back that he can't see me), until he starts to slow down a bit. He drops to about 85, and so do I. But he keeps slowing down, very gradually. Eventually I realize he's caught on to me, but there's no way I'm going to speed past the guy, so I keep slowing down myself. There's only so far you can go with this strategy though. Once we reach the downtown area (very near campus) he drops well below the limit, and at that point, I'm thinking "Screw this. I don't go below the speed limit for anybody". So he keeps slowing and I start to pass him by. The minute I pull level with him, I hear this booming voice over a megaphone saying "I'd appreciate it if you'd slow down please!". Then he speeds off, going about 90 again. I start speeding again as well, but only because my exit was only a couple hundred feet ahead and there was no more threat. I couldn't help but laugh as I exited the highway, thinking that I'm probably one of very few people who have ever had an experience like that.

So that's it. The sad thing is that, since I only wanted to do a Top 10, there were actually several other cop encounters that didn't make the list because they weren't very memorable! However, now that I have this list formalized and documented somewhere, I can update it as more events occur, which they undoubtedly will. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did reminiscing.

Comments? Disagree with any of the orderings? Care to share any stories of your own? I'd love to hear them!